


I want you to stop insisting that I'm not a lost cause.

by oathkeptroxas



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Character Study, Childhood Friends, Friendship/Love, Implied Relationships, Implied Sora/Kairi - Freeform, Implied Unrequited Soriku, Insecurity, Jealousy, Memories, Pining, Prologue to KH1, Riku (Kingdom Hearts)-centric, Slight Canon Divergence, SorikuWeek2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 22:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12309114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oathkeptroxas/pseuds/oathkeptroxas
Summary: SorikuWeek2017; Day Two; First Impressions/Memories."The most prevalent memories of their respective childhoods, were the ones they shared. A thousand sandcastles that they’d build and then kick down, racing across the shore to take a running jump straight into the structure. The air was full of a symphony of laughter, with sand scratching at sun-freckled skin, and it felt like nothing could go wrong."





	I want you to stop insisting that I'm not a lost cause.

_I hear you making all that noise,_

_about the world you want to see._

_And oh, I'm so annoyed,_

_'cause I just killed off what was left of the optimist in me._

**'Rose Colored Boy' - Paramore**

* * *

 

If he were being perfectly honest with himself, Riku had always been a little jealous of Sora. For as long as he could remember, since he was way too young to fully comprehend the complexity of what he was feeling, he had been drawn to the younger boy.

Sora was sunlight personified, with an infectious beaming smile and such a heartfelt sincerity in everything he did. It was almost as if he’d been born with an inherent need to be liked by every person he stumbled upon, and it never seemed difficult for him to achieve that. He was quite possibly, impossible to hate. He looked up at Riku with a hero-worship kind of awe, and despite their differences in temperament, they’d been inseparable their whole lives. Neither one remembered a time before they knew each other.

The most prevalent memories of their respective childhoods, were the ones they shared. A thousand sandcastles that they’d build and then kick down, racing across the shore to take a running jump straight into the structure. The air was full of a symphony of laughter, with sand scratching at sun-freckled skin, and it felt like nothing could go wrong.

Sora was warm, people were drawn to him, taken in by his positive energy. He only ever saw the good in people, was almost incapable of believing that anybody could ever do wrong. He was a polite and inquisitive child, all messy hair and bright eyes. Everybody loved him, and though he didn't know it for what it was back then, Riku loved him too.

Riku had always been more reserved. He’d always been the kind to ponder quietly, to keep what was his, hidden. Where Sora would talk a mile a minute about whatever his current interest might have been, Riku would carefully select his words. They would lay side by side, mirrored poses with their arms folded behind their heads, the warmth of the beach seeped into their skin. Riku would be peering up at the vastness of the sky, thinking about all the places he’d never been, all the lives out there he’d never seen. Sora would be tracing shapes in the clouds, telling stories of the characters he found there.

Sora had this radiance, this light and innocence. Riku was frequently amazed by him and blessed to have him as a best friend. But, Riku had never been one to wear his heart on his sleeve. He was private, and withdrawn, didn’t like to feel exposed or vulnerable. More often than not, he came across as cold, distant, brash. He envied the ease with which Sora interacted with others, he envied the freely given smiles, the inexplicit trust that everyone always bestowed upon Sora.

It gnawed away at him as time went by. Riku was the oldest, he was the more serious, the more knowledgeable, the more street-smart. He consoled himself with these things, these were things that Sora couldn’t take away. It didn’t matter if people liked Sora better than him, because Sora would go wherever Riku wanted to, would do whatever Riku was doing. Sora might have been the golden boy, but Riku, he was the leader. Sora might me able to play coy and give the puppy dog eyes to get them out of trouble when they got caught up to no good, but Riku was the mastermind.

Things changed a little when Kairi showed up. They weren’t even 10 years old when the girl washed up on Destiny Island, with no memory of who she’d been - save her name - she’d been taken in by a local family. Sora blossomed in a wholly different way around her. He was gentle in a way he hadn’t been before. Where the two boys would build sand castles only to revel in knocking them down, Sora carefully, painstakingly helped Kairi collect sea shells to decorate her castle, only to watch, pouting and forlorn, when the tide eventually came to claim it. Sora grew to listen, in a way he’d never had to before because Riku had never been one to share. Along with being a shoulder to cry on, Sora learnt to be insightful, patient.

Riku watched as Sora continued to flourish into the very embodiment of goodness, like a walking dream. It couldn’t be possible, nobody could be that good, that selfless, that without flaws. The more perfect Sora seemed, the more Riku wished he wasn’t. Perhaps his jealousy, his dark, cloying envy, had really been a deflection all along. Maybe he’d simply been pining, had been determined to find something bad about Sora because if he wasn’t perfect, then it would be easier to pretend Riku wasn’t drowning in him. That only worked in theory.

The bond that Kairi and Sora forged was unlike anything Riku had ever seen. The two of them were so alike in temperament, and suddenly Riku felt like the odd one out, the misshapen puzzle piece. The dynamic he and Sora had shared had seemed right, like they made up for what each other lacked, but with Kairi’s appearance proving that Sora didn't need someone like Riku after all, he had been forced to re-evaluate.

He wanted desperately for things to go back to the way they were, with Sora’s sunshine smile traipsing after him like an imprinted duckling. But now, Sora was hanging onto Kairi’s every word. Riku couldn’t remember a time before Sora, couldn’t recall how or when they met or what they’d first thought of each other. Sora had always been there, and somehow along the way Riku had started taking that for granted.

It would be easier to swallow if Riku were the kind of person who was a little more in touch with his emotions. If he were able to admit to himself exactly why all this was eating at him, maybe he would be better equipped to deal with it. He was envious of Sora’s light, and he was jealous that Kairi got so much of Sora’s attention.

It didn’t help that Kairi was good too. She was sweet and bubbly, and perhaps a little demanding, but she knew what she wanted and how to get it, and Riku found that admirable. She was like Sora in a lot of ways, but she and Riku also shared a lot of traits: steadfast determination, a go-getter attitude, a thirst for knowledge. Riku began to wonder if maybe she and Sora would be perfect together because she could relate to him a little better, while also giving Sora the things that Riku once had. Riku wished he could hate Kairi sometimes, but he couldn’t, much like Sora, she was impossible to hate.

As they got older, hit their mid-teens, Kairi began to ponder the world a lot more. Riku would have endless conversations with her about how far they could go if given the chance. She wanted to know where she came from, she wanted to know who she was. Riku had so many questions he wanted answered too, about the truth of existence, about why and how they’d ended up where they were. When they’d concocted their plan to build a raft, neither one of them truly believed it would get them anywhere, after all, if a simple raft could give them the answers they sought, wouldn’t someone have done it already? Would they even have the questions at all? But all they had to go on was that Kairi had washed up on the beach, so they would have to set sail.

Riku would watch Kairi and Sora from a distance. He’d eavesdrop on their conversations and hear the softly spoken words of praise and encouragement, and he’d think _“At least he’s hearing it from someone, even if it’s not me.”_

The resentment festered, the nagging, tearing feeling in the valley of his ribs like a dull, aching, burning throb. Some days it was unbearable. It filled him with the need to just _go_. He wanted so badly to leave, to get out of this place, to find somewhere else. Maybe on some other world there would be some other person, who he could give his light to and know they’d want it for themselves. Some days he both loved and hated Sora so much he couldn’t stand it.

All of their childhood memories began to look better, nostalgia had given them all a shine. Everything had been so clear before Kairi came, everything had been so simple. But her appearance had thrown everything into stark relief, and Riku hadn’t been ready to face it.

Riku had turned to antagonizing Sora, purposely pushing his buttons just to get a reaction. He wanted Sora’s attention, good or bad, he wanted undivided focus. He started pushing Sora harder, making everything into a competition. Somewhere along the way Riku had even started using Kairi, referring to her as a prize, forcing Sora to participate in his games. _”Do it for Kairi, Sora.”_ , because he wasn’t brave enough to suggest “Do it for me.”

It was no wonder he’d been overcome. His weaknesses had been ready to exploit, plain for anyone to see. He was a young boy, and Maleficent had known exactly what to say, how to twist things to get the reaction she wanted. Riku had been so focused on Sora, on what he stood to lose, that he’d never had a hope of seeing it for what it was.

He’d wanted so badly to get out of his tiny, little world, wanted so badly to seek out something greater. But, not like this. Never like this.


End file.
